Names
by ohthelinsanity
Summary: Riza smiled. "Don't worry about it. Ed once called me Mom." "MA'AM. MA'AM. I SAID MA'AM." - in which Ed's annoyed, Roy and Riza aren't, and that just makes Ed even more annoyed.


_note: this takes place sometime after the last episode idk when it doesn't really matter_

 _._

 _._

God, Riza and Roy were _weird._ And as Edward Elric's duty as an annoying big mouth, he said as much.

"You guys are weird."

Winry elbowed him so hard, he momentarily wondered if she'd cut off her own arm and replaced it with automail. But it was all the more likely that she just kept that elbow nice and polished for the pure purpose of tormenting him.

Ed wheezed and tried to disguise the fact that he had the wind knocked out of him with a small cough. Al, however, didn't bother to hide his own snicker. Cheeky little shit.

Across the table, Roy and Riza were looking at him with relatively blank faces—though he thought he could detect a smidge of a smile –obviously not giving one damn what Edward Elric thought of them. Yet they humored him. Because they were cruel like that.

"Hear that, Lieutenant?" Roy said flatly before he took a sip of his tea. "It seems we're weird."

Riza matched Roy's disdain with a lidded expression while she stabbed a piece of broccoli with her fork and plopped it in her mouth. "I can't say I'm surprised, sir."

"That!" Edward screeched, outstretching his arm to point a demanding finger their way. " _That! That's what I'm talking about!"_

Now Roy and Riza looked rightfully confused, brows slightly furrowed in the similar fashion that shows just how in tune these two have been over the years. "What?" Roy asked, annoyed.

Ed couldn't believe this. He rested his elbow on the table and leaned forward to cradle his chin in the palm of his hand. He wanted nothing but to ask questions and demand explanations, but he figured another approach was best. "I'm gonna walk you two through how things are supposed to go."

"Sounds riveting."

"Can't wait to hear this, Fullmetal."

"Ed."

Roy and Riza blinked.

"It's Ed." He repeated. "Edward Elric. Not Fullmetal. I'm not military anymore." He sat up straight and pointed to his wife. "This is Winry. And that," he pointed to his snickering little brother, "Is Al."

Again, Roy and Riza offer blank looks of boredom before the both take a sip of tea.

"And _she_ ," he pointed to Riza, "is your _girlfriend."_ He paused, looking thoughtful. "…Fiancé? Aw, hell, you're probably already married. Point is, you live with her because you love her and you're sappy and that's what people in love do."

"We're not sappy," The two clarified.

"I know. I _know!"_ God, he could pull his ponytail straight out of his fucking head. "You guys aren't sappy. And it would be weird if you outwardly showed it. But _here._ In your own damn home. In front of me, Al and Winry… You could at _least_ call each other by your freaking names. I can't believe you let Hawkeye call you _sir!"_

Both Roy and Riza looked completely unperturbed.

"She doesn't always call me sir," Roy admitted with a shrug. "Sometimes she calls me Colonel."

Ed looked like he was about to pop a vein. _"You're not even a colonel anymore!"_

Riza faked surprise as she passed Winry the salad plate across the table. "Terribly sorry to hear about your demotion, sir," Riza drew out the last word dramatically.

Roy tutted as he poured himself some more tea. "Actually, I've been promoted. Quite a few ranks. It's almost like a run the place."

"That certainly explains the grey hairs," Riza said, and Ed looked a bit more relaxed when he saw the unpleased twitch in Roy's eyes. "Congratulations."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"I hate you," Ed murmured, burying his face in the palms of his hands. It was the last straw for Alphonse, who burst out laughing as his older brother's frustrations. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you," he continued to grumble. "I bet you two don't even know each other's real names."

"That's not true."

"Of course I know her name. I sign her paycheck."

"Yeah? Prove it."

It was silent a moment. Then: "Ren, maybe? No, that's not right…"

"Lisa? Lisa."

"Rory?"

"You know what, it's definitely Lieutenant."

Ed sighed. Useless.

"I don't see why it's anyone's business, especially yours, Ed," Winry offered her own two cents. Well, there go his allies. "Everyone's got nicknames and the like. Al doesn't even use your name, he just calls you _Brother_."

"She's right," Al chipped in. "You still call most of our friends in the military by their last names, too. And General Mustang is still _Colonel Jackass_ in our telephone book."

Winry looked scandalized before she pinched both Ed and Al's arms. "I'm so sorry, General. That was uncalled for," she apologized on their behalf.

"It's quite alright," Roy assured with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I have Edward written as _Fullmetal Flea_ on file."

A gravy dish went flying. " _I'M TALLER THAN YOU NOW, YOU SON OF A BITCH."_

"In your dreams."

From Edward's left, Alphonse reached over and slapped a hand over his brother's mouth before he could deafen anyone else at the table. "We worked hard to get my body back, I won't have you going and ruining it's hearing," Al said happily. Edward mumbled something that sounded crude before he licked Al's hand, causing him to yelp and pull his hand away. "Ew! Brother!" He wiped his palm with a napkin. "What are you, twelve?"

"Yes," Winry, Riza and Roy chorused.

Ed slumped forward in his seat. Why was everyone always against him? He saved the country, dammit! He didn't deserve this. He turned his nose up in the air and decided to play one of his Annoying Big Brother cards in petty revenge. "What about your nicknames, Al? Hmm? Remember when you called Hawkeye _mom?"_

Alphonse blushed to the tips of his ears and his face scrunched in mortification. "Brother! You promised you'd never mention that!"

"Don't worry," Riza told him with a small smile. "At least you weren't like Ed who called me mom _to my face_." Shit. Karma's a bitch, it would seem.

"MA'AM. MA'AM. I SAID MA'AM."

"Not how I heard it," Roy butted in with a sing-songy voice. He was right of course, but Ed would be damned if he ever admitted it. He was fifteen, had just spent two nights with no sleep researching in the library and Riza had offered him a coffee. At that moment she was his mother and yeah, he called her as such. Hell, at that moment she might as well have been _God,_ that coffee had been so good.

But like he said, he wasn't going to tell that story. "Mustang, I swear I'm about so shove my metal foot so far up your ass—" Winry cut him off with a flick to his ear. "…ow."

"Please don't threat the General at the table, _darling."_ She said snidely.

"Sorry, _dear,"_ Ed scratched at his ear, mumbling incoherently all the while. A thought struck him. "I bet Riza and Roy don't even know what endearments are."

Roy tutted disapprovingly. "Of course we do. We have to call each other something, especially considering we don't know each other's real names." Roy turned to Riza, and with a completely blank look and dull voice, asked her: "Isn't that right, Shnookums?"

How she kept a straight face, he didn't know. "Absolutely, Honey Bear," she said, eyes entirely on her plate.

"Stop," Ed begged.

"Babycakes."

"Cookie Crumb."

How could they say such things like they were reading off a budget report? "Please, stop."

"Puddin'."

"Booboo."

"I'm going to perform human transmutation again if you don't stop."

"You're not an alchemist anymore," Roy deadpanned before a sly smile returned and his eyes met Ed's. "Did you forget, _Pookie_?"

No. Uh-uh. Nope. Edward could barely stomach Riza and Roy's charade toward each other, but there was no way in _hell_ he was going to let them turn this on him. He stood up abruptly, chair legs scratching on the floor. "Well you know what? It's been lovely seeing you two again aside from the part when it wasn't." Riza snickered as Ed hastened to put on his coat. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go walk in front of a train."

Edward spun quick on his heel and headed to the door, narrowly missing a small ball of orange fur napping on the floor. Which, come to think of it, he never noticed on any of his other visits. "I didn't know you guys had a cat," he mumbled, leaning down to give it a small pet. A bright silver nametag hung from its collar and he turned his head to get a better look…

 _Edward._

Of course. The bastards. The name catastrophe kept going.

"We thought it looked like you," Riza chirped happily. "See the resemblance?"

Had Edward mentioned he _hated_ them?

He rolled his eyes as his brother and Winry gathered their things to leave. "We're off. We'll be back later." He met Riza's gaze. "Bye, _Mom."_

She smiled and waved him goodbye, which was enough to let Edward's anger melt away. As for Roy, however, he offered a cynical grin before declaring, "Bye, _Grandpa_!"

He, Alphonse and Winry were out the door before Roy could even snap his fingers and burn his ponytail to dust.

"Grandpa?" He grumbled, patting down his ruined hair. "My hair isn't that grey…."

"Of course not."

" _Riza_."

She knew that tone. "Well, _Roy,_ if you must know..." With a smile, she reached over and threaded her fingers through his hair. His sorta-kinda thinned out hair. "I was afraid Winry was going to mistake it for automail. _"_

Her hand caught his head just before he nearly slammed it against the tabletop in defeat.

 _._

 _._

 _a/n: i've been rewatching fma:b. this is super duper dumb and roy is hard to write bye_


End file.
